Findings of a mere observer

 Last week, I was just sitting by myself, and my thoughts lingered upon a certain topic. So, I'm at the age where I find romantic relationships interesting and see them blossom all around me. Some blossom, some wither away and some try to blossom through the mushroom like bacteria clinging to the stems. All in all, it's always a beautiful sight to watch.

Today, let me give you some insights of a working happy relationship. My forte neither lies in relationships nor in giving advice, but it leans towards observations. So I'll speak from observation.

Why do we wish to be with someone ? I've felt this need and pondered upon this question countless times. Is it to feel less lonely ? Is it to be able to share your life with another human ? Is it to feel connected ? Is it because we need emotional, mental and physical security ? Is it a need for physical intimacy ? I think it's all of this and so much more.

I'll write what I've observed from my conversations with people. Y'all don't have to do all of this, just the bits that you see fit. So, let's get on with the stuff.

For starters, one should not get unhealthily obsessed with their date. It may last for just the honeymoon phase, it may last beyond that. The second one is not good, I feel. The more we get obsessed, the more we start doing things for our partner and the more we get involved in the other person. And that hurts us when it isn't appreciated or reciprocated by the other person. There can be a lack of reassurance along with this. This lack and the hurt causes us to feel that one isn't enough, that one needs to do and be more. What one needs to remember is that this isn't a comment on you personally, but on the partner's lack of expressiveness, not everyone knows how to, and at times, they might never get the idea that this matters. When our parents used to bring us a new toy as kids, we were overjoyed and got affectionate and thanked them. On case of a partner, the affectionate part might be a matter of comfort, but recognition, appreciation and reciprocation matter and it should be common sense rather than having to be told. There is a give and take in any relationship. One should not have to keep on giving without receiving much. This isn't just regarding materialistic objects, but about anything that can be given and taken.

Then we have interests. Not having things in common need not necessarily he a problematic thing. But different interests of your partner should be explored, given that your partner does the same. At the same time, cultivating common interests is also important. Making the effort is incredibly important in any relationship. Couples must have fun in the relationship and do things both parties can enjoy.

Then, we come to the fantasies. Our generation has certain fantasies pertaining to romance as a result of exposure to western media. Some of us have experienced relationships in our teenage, fun years. But, sadly, not everyone is so lucky. So some of us might wish to have that experience of thrill of sneaking out, lying just to meet one's partner, those stupid hickeys, small gifts and to get those butterflies that people must have gotten with their partner's early on in life. The "late bloomers" need to understand that it's fine to not get that, but still strive for making what you have feel like that thrilling love. The one's with partner's who didn't have those early relationships need to understand that them having these feelings is normal, and that there's no need to feel pressure. At the same time, both parties can have those silly moments and butterflies and some fun. What's life without fantasies anyway ?

It's important to keep things interesting. After the rightly dubbed honeymoon phase, things can start to get a bit boring. So it's important to keep it all lively and happening. This need not be expensive, but should be enjoyable for both parties. This is a kind of charade starts getting slow as time goes by and the relationship is stable. One also has to understand, that this kind of effort must go on forever, it shouldn't stop in order to hold a working relationship. We live in the twenty-first century and we shouldn't have men take all the initiative. So if you think you need to spice up your relationship with fun dates and activities, plan them out yourself. This let's your partner know what you enjoy and gives amateurs an idea of what needs to be done when it's their turn to plan.

Then we have the important point of effective communication. I say effective because everyone can communicate, but couples shouldn't go about the same thing again and again without any solution. One also has to mince words. We can indeed use sharp words when talking to our partner in normal conversation. But when it comes to important things, one shouldn't have an accusatory tone. Couples should create a safe space for clear conversation among themselves. Neither should feel fearful of expressing frustration regarding the other person or the fear of being called names. One is usually afraid of being called stuff such as immature, jealous, insecure, insufficient, etc. If one does in fact fall under any of these characteristics, one must indeed work on themselves. No-one should have to deal with your problems for you. We bring our baggage in relationships, we are allowed to ask for help, but we should completely make others handle our issues. But if one has reasonable conditions to get frustrated or have issues, the partner shouldn't use harsh words. But when asked about any problems or changes in the behaviour required, one must also speak then instead of speaking up for themselves only during crucial moments of a fight. In every fight, it the couple versus the problem and not both parties making up the couple against each other.

Long distance couples need to communicate more effectively as the distance gives a lot of frustration. It's essential to speak out and not keep things within. Any problems and issues should be addressed at the earliest in order to avoid harsher conflicts and future resentment.

The above issue gets more complicated in case of long distance relationships. Everyone has to go through the ordeal that is distance with loved ones, but it indeed is possible to come out victorious on the other side. But here, the complications also increase. I'll tell you how.

Here, one must make time, one must go the extra mile. It actually needs to be 70%-50% from both sides. When couples meet each other often, they form a strong bond, a strong emotional connection. But in a long distance relationships, the actual meets happen quite seldom. On can ask their partner to get comfortable, but it takes more time than usual. It's a very testing affair. If told that it's okay to open up, it can backfire as well as it can also lead to the feeling of pressure. But if one keeps on showing that it's okay to trust them by their actions, the heart starts to melt. One shouldn't keep on projecting the exterior protective shell to the other person while they share personal stuff. The problem here is that we tend to get more comfortable with people we spend time with everyday. The statement doesn't sound like a problem, I know. But I'll tell you why I say so.

We get close to our friends because our vibes match. With some friends, it doesn't take much time either. But we tend to keep ourselves from the person we are with. We think that any personal information given to them might be used against us in the future. In a long distance relationship, one also needs to mince behaviour. We tend to get emotionally comfortable and feel safe to be vulnerable with our friends. We tend to get more comfortable physically with these friends as well, even more so in both aspects than we show verbal as well as physical affection towards our partner. For instance, one might cry or discuss personal matters with friends, but get uptight and defensive if the topics come up in conversation with the partner. One might hug and get emotional over parting ways with the friends for as less time as a week, but wouldn't do the same for a partner they won't see for the next 2 months. Although such things are normal and common with old friends, but doing the same with new ones you've got to know after your partner might rub them the wrong way. And even more so if the partner uses all their resources of time, energy, money, skills and more to make you feel safe and comfortable, but still has to see you feel that way with others just because they had the opportunity to be present. And even more so if the friends are of the same gender as your partner. If your partner is afraid of the pre-discussed name calling and feels like having to seal their lips instead of openly talking, you're doing something wrong. This breeds hatred and your partner might start resenting you. This happens because the ego takes a hit. They might even start feeling disinterested, the arguments might increase. It's important to exercise boundaries, although everything might be platonic and harmless. One must not entertain insecurities, but discomforts should be taken into account.

Comparisons are also harmful. One cannot compare their problems with other couples. The difference in the circumstances could be vast. The problems differ, the issues differ, the insecurities and discomforts differ and so do the solutions to problems. If we consider the boundary problem above, comparing them wouldn't accomplish anything than maybe make your partner even more afraid to voice their opinions. Maybe your friends partner is comfortable to things like this, but that could be because your friend is more comfortable around the partner than with other people. It does not mean that one shall not have friends, but that one of your closest and best friends spot should be reserved for your partner. If your partner is your best friend, you've already reached a pivotal point in the relationship. Although work, studies or ditance can interfere with communication, one must not get emotionally distant with their partner.

Then we have the vital point of appreciation. A person themselves as well as their partner make a conscious choice of being with each other everyday. While this must be kept in mind, one must also remember that they hold some value and that their partner's company doesn't determine their value. Coming back to the subject, we must appreciate this choice of the other. It is very easy to do. We do this stuff with our parents, grandparents, friends, teachers, colleagues and so should we do so with our partner. If your partner explores your interests, appreciate. If your partner cooks and bakes for you, appreciate. If your partner meets you wherever you want and at any hour of the day you wish, appreciate. If your partner brings you out of your life's darkness and show's you the light, appreciate. If your partner comes bearing gifts, appreciate. If your nale partner follows the sidewalk rule, appreciate. If your partner writes you love letters, appreciate. If your partner tries to acquire skillsets to help you, appreciate. If your partner send you food when you're ill, appreciate. Even the smallest of things make a difference. Appreciation doesn't mean flattery as flattery can inflate one's ego to a large extent. Appreciation need not be a daily morning positive thought kind of a thing, but once a week does the trick. Being a guy, I can shed light on this matter in more depth. For most men, their partner's appreciation of things they do for them or simple comments such as 'You make me feel safe and I value you' make a difference. These things are a huge motivating factor. In general, we all want to give our partners our best and keep improving for them in area that we need to improve in. And when your improvement gets acknowledged by the person you love beyond anything, it transforms into a driving force. Practicing gratefulness in relationships can make the bond stronger. Not doing this may seem like being taken for granted. Many male partners won't ask for it, maybe it feels emasculating to them, but it's a great ego boost and a source of confidence.

We hear stuff such as "if someone is interested, they make time for you". It's highly inaccurate. Understanding that the lack of time spent together is for the time being. But this understanding from the partner isn't a license to take then for granted and exploit their patience. Any problems with this matter must be solved via open communication.

Just like emotional connection, physical intimacy is a crucial factor for a healthy working relationship. This does not mean that if you do stuff for your partner, you are entitled to physical favour. But your are entitled to trust and comfort from your partner if you show that you're safe. We get physically comfortable very easily with friends, same gendered or platonic other gendered friends. But we make our partner work for it, we withhold intimacy from our partner. This is a mistake and another ego hit that can cause resentment. Anyway, even the smallest gestures such as holding hands, gentle pecks on the cheeks, entwined fingers, massaging shoulders, tucking strands of hair behind their ear, putting your arm over your partner's shoulder, pulling them closer, hands through their hair, across their cheeks, long hugs, slow kisses, etc. give us butterflies. We live in the twenty-first century and physical affection is important to us. We all appreciate the random hugs followed by a "I love you". For people with shy partners or inexperienced ones, it's important to "show them the ropes" till they build up the courage to initiate contact themselves. Looking at it not as a duty, but a way to strengthen your bond is the way to go. Physical intimacy isn't a chore, but a tool to being your closer together.

Insecurities regarding friends must be immediately addressed. If these are friends they made before you, you don't have a right to comment. But if they make friends after you got together, they should exercise boundaries so as to not get more closer than they are with you. Sometimes, if our partner speaks highly of some friend, much more than they have ever spoken about you and if this continues, it's important to address this issue right away instead of holding a grudge. We have a deep fear of replacement embedded in our psyche since our childhood. People with siblings might relate to this example. When we are the lone child, we get attention left and right, but once a younger sibling is born and we don't know how to cope with the sudden lack of attention. We eventually do cope with it. In a relationship, it's necessary to cope with things and work stuff out with the partner before things get to our head and we spiral.

Lastly, one must always remember that most problems can be solved from communication. Every argument should be resolved as early as possible. The more we keep waiting, the more we think, and that can lead to harsher outcomes in the end. The "never going to bed angry" thing is very real and important. Splitting should be the last "solution" on your mind. It is important to keep in mind that we are human. We all come with certain imperfections. It's best to try and look past the unimportant minor ones.

Today, we seek surety in this world that's dynamic and where feelings are volatile. But surety can only be achieved when you and your partner trust each other to be vulnerable around each other and comfortable enough to be intimate with each other. We wish to do things with, for and to our partner. But if you keep giving your partner any or all of the ego hits we talked about in this post, you push your partner away from surety about you. One cannot simply demand surety. If you are sure of your partner being "your person" or white famously dubbed as "the one", it's probably because of good reason. If you provide your partner with enough security instead of only getting them out of their lonesome, your partner can be sure of you as well. And that will be the ultimate prize for your efforts.

For people who might potentially split, it's important to employ the "out of sight, out of mind" method to get over your ex. Maybe the problems created rifts that led to the split, maybe the timing wasn't right and you potentially might be together in the future, it's important to embrace this phase of life. It's all a journey that can lead to happiness if you work on yourself or to unbearable loneliness and darkness if you dwell on the last and start loathing yourself. And for people who split because of a lack of connect, we think we get hurt because we miss them and what we had with them. But what if we never had them in the first place, what if it all fell apart before they ever let themselves be ours. And no matter what you did, they would've taken more time to be yours than it did with new friends or old partners. That's the sad reality of distrust one must accept. One can only be patient for so long.

There's a common romance comedy trope that we see in movies that's sometimes true in real life. When one partner gets attention from the other gender, jealousy sparks and the other partner either tries to prove their worth, cause problems between the other parties or tries to make the partner jealous as if it's a competition. None of these things actually matter. When you and you're partner are committed to each other, it's always important to keep that in mind that there's no competition. It's normal to feel a little jealous, but it shouldn't be enough to make you act like a crazy person. You've already got your partner, and if you are doing other things right , there's absolutely no need of that fear of abandonment. Show some faith in your partner like you do when confessing personal things to them. Your commitment should be respected and any such feelings should be openly talked about with your partner.

We spoke before about exploring each other's hobbies. It's also important to take into account that while this might help in the relationship, one shouldn't pressure their partner to do so. Being judgemental and taking digs at your partner will only cause further harm to the relationship. Also, if and when the partner does explore and doesn't find your interests that appealing to them, keeping in mind that that isn't something to be taken personally is required. Everyone finds different  things interesting, so it's also possible that what your partner likes to do won't necessarily seem appealing to you. Another thing is that you or your partner aren't obliged to even explore the interests. Although it might help to strengthen the relationship, there is absolutely no obligation to do so. And because one partner does so doesn't mean that the other one must too.

In any relationship, narcissism is an exceptional mood killer. We tend to get in our own heads that we're entitled and that we hold the utmost importance. We don't. All relationships hold multiple people, so essentially, no one single person cam hold all the power. Relationships work like a democracy. You were chosen by your partner and you chose your partner. Thinking only of what you are doing right while ignoring your wrongdoings but doing the exact opposite to your partner can cause major issues. A self absorbed attitude in a relationship is like sacrificing your own happiness. Because the more you think just about yourself, the more you think you deserve and the more entitled you start feeling. So, getting out of your own head and giving yourself that reality check is important from time to time.

I've said this before and I'll write specifically about it now. Get into a relationship with the attitude that after a certain point in the relationship, breaking up is not an option. This is an absolutely important lesson to learn as splitting over the most trivial of reasons will cause nothing but pain and regret to you and your partner. Also, thinking of splitting after the smallest of problems will cause harm to the relationship. Clear communication over issues with a cool head is necessary, I specifically say "with a cool head" because we often speak impulsively and without thinking what impact our words could have over the other person. It's often said that one shouldn't go to bed angry. But in this case, taking a step back and with it some time helps a lot as we can measure our words and then speak. This helps a lot in any conversation, whatever our relation with the other person is. Most problems and mistakes are repairable, so have some faith in you and your partner and be patient. Breaking things apart can be done in the blink of an eye, but building a relationship takes time, trusting each other takes time, give each other the time and patience. It's worth getting through problems, it helps strengthen the relationship, it helps to build a bond and that is the beauty of being in a relationship. Rebuilding lost trust or reconnecting with others is hard, no doubt, but if you trust in the relationship and have faith that you can both be better partners, it's worth it. Being with someone is beautiful, don't let your ego, narrow mindedness or immaturity ruin that for yourself.

Today, on social media, we see a lot of people saying that being with someone is the thing that'll make me happy. But nothing could be farther from the truth. Your happiness comes from yourself, and if you aren't happy, only you can change that. Pinning your happiness on your partner accomplishes nothing and you only set yourself up for disappointment. Your partner isn't obligated to make you happy. Nothing they do will ever be enough if you're not happy with yourself. And their validation shouldn't be your source of happiness. You, and I cannot emphasize this enough, and only you are responsible for your happiness. Self work is important. The feeling of being enough as you are and being content with yourself while working on yourself at the same time is the process that'll make you content. It isn't easy, but learning to love yourself is important to be able to show love to others. Doing something for your partner should be selfless, or it just becomes a barter exchange of efforts. Our parents don't treat us as an investment, they keep on providing us with necessities as well as luxuries. In the same way, when you love someone, you do without thinking of any returns or anything else. Love is selfless, if we keep on thinking or receiving something, we make it seem like another transaction. Whatever one does for their partner, it doesn't entitle them to any additional benefits, it's a relationship, not a insurance scheme or a recharge plan. So, if you aren't happy with yourself, start working on yourself as soon as possible, maybe the same day as you read this.

Let's end this with a heartwarming story.

A friend of mine met his girlfriend in the lockdown era. They were classmates in an architecture college. They started speaking on calls with other classmates. Those calls turned in to just the two of them having calls. They they stared meeting with the onset of offline classes. They got closer and started getting close. Eventually, they started dating. Architecture is a hard field to study. They started getting busy with assignments and saw less and less of each other. They brought small gifts for each other, and still kept going on dates. Some days back, this friend of mine and I went with our other friends to admire and enjoy the beautiful processions of Ganpati Bappa's departure. He brought his girlfriend. They look cute together. They have their minor arguments but resolve them within a day or two. On his off days, my friend visits her at her rented room. He plucks wildflowers and brings them to her. Such a warm gesture. It feels so nice to watch a friend so happy and content.

This above written things are purely based on personal judgement and observations. Readers need not follow the advice given above. Thank you for reading.

Shayarlal out